Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
