boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
