she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
