I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
