EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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