I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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