I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
