Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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