I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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