i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
