do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
