Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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