I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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