Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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