Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
