if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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