he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
