Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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