Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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