i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
