Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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