definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i've created a new STD.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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