My room smells like vodka and shame
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
