rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
