PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
