This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
