Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I AM VODKA MAN
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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