I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
