If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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