he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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