i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
