i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
