normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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