Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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