she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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