Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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