I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Define "chronic" masturbator.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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