Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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