I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
