Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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