I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
