I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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