3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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