We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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