dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
