she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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