she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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