What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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