i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
