p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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