My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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