who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize