sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
