smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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