He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
