The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
