I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
