Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
