cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
