her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
