a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
